The Immaculate Tina Fey is the April cover girl for Esquire Magazine! She’s promoting Date Night, the romantic-comedy (with lots of action) that Tina costars with Steve Carrell. Regarding the photos Esquire “made” Tina pose for, Tina had this to say to the magazine:

“The idea of the photo shoot is something like my wild night out. The irony being that I don’t do that. I got an e-mail [from Esquire] with a list of the potential setups, and my e-mail back was like, Well, I need to decline being handcuffed to a bed. I won’t straddle anyone. I won’t make out with a cop. There are certain things, I totally get them as a premise. And they’re all good fun, and if I were a young single model, they would be appropriate, but, you know, I’m a mom. And my kid’s going to find this someday. I don’t want to be handcuffed to a bed in Esquire. What are you nuts? I’m not going to make out with a cop that I’m handcuffed to. I got to get my kid into kindergarten. I guess that’s more of a Montessori way of learning, when they handcuff you to things.”

[From Esquire]

Chuckle. She’s just so funny. So far, Esquire has only put up an excerpt of their article, called either “Tina on the Real Tina” or “Tina Fey’s Night Out” or whatever. I would have called it: “Tina Fey: The Most Fabulous Bitch On Ice” or “Tina Fey Rocks the Kasbah”. Or something like that. You know, mix it up a little. Try not to go for the obvious. Here’s Esquire’s piece, “Tina on the Real Tina” (it’s just her accumulated quotes):

“Twitter seems like a busman’s holiday: just more writing. I have no plans to do it. I’ll just stick with my 24/7 webcam. I’m old-fashioned that way.”

“Plots we would not do on 30 Rock? Let me put the Internet at ease: Liz and Jack will never be together. Not even if we go fifteen seasons. Okay, if we get to season fifteen, they’ll do it.”

“I think my level of fame will drop back down. I think it’ll recede. In fact, I know it will. That’s life on planet earth. And I’m okay with that. Besides getting tables at restaurants and special treatment at the airport, what else is there?”

“What goes into a Sarah Palin impression? For me, it was a wig. And gluing down my ears. When I wear that half-up hairdo, my ears stick out. Also overdrawing my lips to make it look like I have bigger lips. Then there’s the Minnesooota Fargo kind of accent. Ya know? And the o’s, and the that, and all that. And smiling when you talk.”

“I feel that if I do it again, people will be like, ‘Oh, wait a minute. That’s terrible! You never really could do it, could you?’”

“I’ve got to write that book. I’ve had very little time to work on it. It will be hopefully humorous essays. Not about my neck. It’s actually mostly about how I feel about Nora Ephron’s neck. And I feel great about it. I want her to feel better about it. It’s better than mine.”

“What I’ve come to realize is that when people say, ‘The thinking man’s whatever’ — there’s no such thing. The thinking man also wants to f-ck Megan Fox.”

“My parents are going to be like, Why did you curse that much in that Esquire article?”

[From Esquire]

I f-cking love that line: “What I’ve come to realize is that when people say, ‘The thinking man’s whatever’ — there’s no such thing. The thinking man also wants to f-ck Megan Fox.” It’s so f-cking true. And so f-cking sad. I love how she’s so great at old-fashioned one-liners and punchy little zingers. She’s like Don Rickles with a great rack.

ALL HAIL QUEEN TINA!!!

Esquire photos of Tina, courtesy of Esquire online.