Well, we got him to admit “transgressions”. Tiger Woods doesn’t get into all the gory details (his mistresses are doing that), but Tiger has released a statement that quite honestly reads like something a massively important and influential politician would write and say. Tiger is basically telling us that yes, he’s been bangin’ other women, but that the real tragedy is that he’s lost his privacy. Boohoo. Oh, and Tiger repeats again that Elin definitely didn’t attack him. Which, at this point, I don’t think I would mind hearing that Elin gave him one good slap, but Tiger insists that Elin “has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.” Yeah. Like looking the other way while you banged a series of VH1 reality stars, call girls, party girls and basically anyone in hooker heels.

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

[Tiger Woods statement, via Fox News]

Well, there you go children. Do you respect and admire Tiger Woods? Well, Tiger wants you to know, children, that he made some mistakes, but the important thing is that these mistakes hurt his sense of privacy.

So what is Elin doing? Do you think she’s packing? Do you think she’s bidding her time? I do think she’ll divorce him, honestly. And I think pretty much every person will say “’Atta girl” when she does leave. So what kind of money do you think she’ll be entitled to? My guess is that a potential divorce settlement would be 9 figures. Seriously!