Late Friday, Tiger Woods released a statement on his website after two weeks (seriously, it’s only been two weeks) of controversy. It all started with the National Enquirer report that Tiger had been carrying on an affair with Rachel Uchitel. Then, late Thanksgiving, early Friday morning, Tiger Woods got into a bizarre car accident right outside of his Florida estate. Two weeks later, and nearly one mistress per day, Tiger is announcing (in only his second statement in two weeks) that he is taking an “indefinite break” from golf so that he can spend time with his family:

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding.

What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

[From Tiger Woods’ Website]

This comes across as very self-pitying, yes? Like “oh, woe is me, I’ve been screwing all of these women, you won’t believe what I’ve been through.” Too harsh? My mom actually feels sympathy for Tiger – of course, she thinks he’s a horrible womanizer, but she says “poor Tiger” over and over.

Here’s my question: why take a leave from golf? If “golf” is associated with “screwing anything with two legs and a pulse”? Is this one of Elin’s conditions for staying with him? Or is this Tiger’s way of pre-empting some bigger scandal yet to break? Perhaps something involving a mountain goat, handcuffs and Ecstasy? “Crazy Ambien sex” with men? Someone underage? At this point, your guess is as good as mine.