This just in: you need to stop having sex. Like, now. Because according to Pamela Anderson, sex will turn you orange, make you shrivel, give you matted Barbie hair, and basically make you look like a dried up old lunch sack. Pam says she looks the way she does due to sex. Except she says “thanks to” instead of “due to.” So if you want to look like Pamela Anderson, have a lot of sex. If you want to look better, I suppose you’ll have to do something else.

PAMELA ANDERSON says a frisky sex life is the secret to her cracking figure. The former Baywatch star, 42, puts her toned body and radiant skin down to the extensive time spent between the sheets.

She said: “Looking good to me has always been because of the amount of sex I’m getting! I’ve hardly ever been a member of a gym and I can’t follow diets.”

She added: “When I’m not in a relationship and not – hypothetically speaking of course – having lots of sex how do I keep fit? Oh I don¹t know. I can’t remember! Oh I know… I jump up and down a lot!”

Pammi has been linked to scuba diving instructor JAMIE PADGETT and was also seen canoodling with ex-hubby TOMMY LEE at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas earlier this week.

And the star admits there was a time she thought her days of serious relationships were over. Pammi added: “A couple of years ago I was asked if I’d ever consider walking down the aisle again. At the time I said: ‘You know what, I’d love to, but who’s going to have me?’ Seriously, imagine the advert in the lonely hearts column: ‘Mother of two, boisterous boys. Slightly crazy ex-husband never too far away.’”

[From the Sun]

I really wish The Sun had bothered to include an inset list based on tips from the article. I’ll go ahead and make one for you. Here are the bulleted points:

• Do not jump up and down – ever
• Follow a strict gym regimen
• Diet your pants off (so to speak)
• But actually keep your pants on
• Stay away from scuba divers and rock stars – if unsure if a guy falls into one of
those categories, either ask how long he can hold his breath or if he’s ever snorted a line of coke off a groupie
• Avoid plucking your eyebrows completely, thinking you and your musty old Crayola can do a better job than God
• Avoid Hard Rock Hotels
• Avoid drawing attention to your used up lady bits by wearing tattered pantyhose than you’ve ripped apart to hip level.

I’d like to politely request that you all print out this list and tape it to your fridge and dashboard. If you do these things – following them to the letter – I guarantee you, you will look better than Pamela Anderson. Also, avoid wearing spider hair-based extensions, and you’ll probably be good to go. Or you could stop trying, give in now, and follow Pam’s recipe for success – making out with Tommy Lee whenever you’re in between dudes.