Remember all of those photos of Mariah Carey in an unflattering swimsuit on the Malibu beach? Well, here is the live action version, and it is not pretty. And by “not pretty” I mean “it’s so hilarious how Mariah thinks posing her body a certain way will limit our exposure to the worst parts of her body in an unflattering swimsuit.” Before everyone gets riled up, I will say again – I don’t think Mariah is fat, or overweight. Sure, she’s put on some weight, but I think she still looks very pretty and healthy. But she’s a curvy girl now – and every other curvy girl wouldn’t touch that horrible swimsuit.

Just for kicks, lets do a play-by-play of why this video is so awesome (or awesomely bad), like we did for Jennifer Lopez’s “Fresh Out The Oven”.

*Damn, Malibu looks cold. Either that, or the turkey’s done.

*Is Mariah cleaning the dog crap off of her flip-flops?

*I love the way Mariah gets off the stairs. It’s like she’s trying to angle herself so her thighs appear their thinnest, but she ends walking like she’s just been riding a horse all day.

*Notice how fast the cuts are. I suspect they had to cut around Mariah sucking in her stomach, which she probably can only do for a few seconds before she gets tired and needs someone to carry her off and put her in a chair.

*Who wears false eyelashes to the beach?

*Her jewelry isn’t bad. I like some of those bracelets.

*I like her hair this color. In certain angles, Mariah is a very beautiful woman.

*HA! I love the part where she pushes her boobs together to give herself monster cleavage. I do that too, when I’m ordering a drink. I like strong drinks.

*They overexposed the film where Mariah’s running so she’ll look thinner. Chuckle.

*She looks ridiculous rubbing her ass on that boulder. She reminds me of the cartoon Charmin bears, in those commercials.

*Good God, why doesn’t anyone say “no” to Mariah? This video would have been a million times better if they had Mariah at the beach in a flattering dress, rather than these ugly cut-out bathing suits.

It’s actually not a bad song. It just would have been better with a different video. I can’t get over Mariah and how pleasantly crazy she is. Although, I think when you’re that rich and famous, you aren’t consider “crazy”, you’re just eccentric.