Oh, Michael Lohan. I want to kick you in the face. He just has no idea how to be a parent. Especially to an adult. Parenting is tough with kids, but when your children are grown (but still acting like kids) it can add a lot of challenges. You can’t force them to do what you want, and you can’t punish them. Since Michael Lohan can’t make Lindsay have a relationship with him or get off drugs, he’ll just take it to the streets. Well, take it to Radar. And Twitter, and anyone else who’ll listen. We’re supposed to believe this is genuine concern, by the way. Filming clips for Radar intended for Lindsay. I’m sure it has nothing to do with attention for himself.

In the very public Lohan Family War, Michael Lohan is adamantly defending his decision to release tape recordings of Lindsay’s phone calls with him. In an exclusive and brutally candid interview with RadarOnline.com, Michael accuses Lindsay of lying about the seriousness of her situation and the relationship she has with her father. “Mom was saying it’s not dire, but it is,” Michael pleaded to Lindsay.

Another explosive accusation Michael levels against his family is that Lindsay learned to lie from her own mother Dina. “She was taught by her mother, unfortunately,” he said to RadarOnline.com about Lindsay’s lies. There certainly isn’t any love lost between Lindsay’s parents.

Michael said that he released the tapes because he fears for Lindsay’s life — he even emotionally addresses his daughter in the interview. “I’m concerned. I love you,” Michael says. Defending himself he stated “I’m tired of being called a liar.”

Michael also pleads with his fragile daughter to take responsible actions for her life. “Please go to a therapist,” he said. “I want Lindsay to get help.”

Lindsay’s lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley tells RadarOnline.com that Lindsay wants to go after her father and that they are “exploring all options both civilly, and criminally. We are talking to legal authorities in New York and Los Angeles to determine if any laws were broken.”

[From Radar]

You have to watch the video and see and hear Michael to really understand why it’s absolutely necessary I punch him in the face. Normally I go with something a little more vague and gentle, like “I wanna kick him in the ear,” or “I’d like to step on his stomach.” But whenever I do that I’m always thinking how I’d really love punch that person in the face. And with Michael Lohan, I’ve just got to say it. He needs to be punched. A lot. I’ll give the requisite disclaimer that you shouldn’t. But oh my God would I understand it. Just saying.

If that all weren’t enough, Michael also says that God is taking Lindsay’s career away from her. You remember that part of the Bible, where God is talking to that douchebaggy guy and is all, “Thou shouldn’t snort things up thou’s nose. And if thou doest, I shall smite you with straight-to-DVD film roles.” (That was a little bit of old school God and a little bit of Shakespeare).

After the first tape was released, Lindsay tweeted that her father was a “loser.” On her Twitter site yesterday, in an apparent reference to her mom, LiLo tweeted, “She blames herself for staying w/him for so long, I’d beg her not to leave b/c he always threatened to kill her if she did.”

But Michael told The Post’s Rita Delfiner, “That’s a lie. I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that. Now I’m going to release more recordings that prove everything she is saying is nothing more than a bunch of lies.

“No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her,” Michael continued. “Because she’s forsaken everything He’s given her and she’s done nothing but misuse all the gifts she’s given.”

[From the New York Post]

Oh the sanctimony. It is perfectly God-like and Christian to escalate things in a childish war of retaliation with your own daughter. But if she says things about you that you don’t like (and which may well be true), then God’s taking her career away.

You just know this isn’t going to end well. “Well” would be Lindsay going into rehab. And Michael falling down an elevator shaft or something. But the way this drama is escalating, it feels inevitable that pretty soon we reach the climax. I think everyone can see it but the Lohans.

Here’s Lindsay at the opening ceremony of a Beach Resort in El Jadida, Morocco on Halloween. Images thanks to INF Photo.