The City of Los Angeles is currently having a very long and technical press conference regarding Michael Jackson’s Tuesday memorial service. The theme of which is “Stay home, stay home, stay home!” I’m not being a smartass, they really did say that in a variety of ways at least a dozen times.

Here’s the nitty gritty of what’s being planned in terms of ticket availability and general viewership.

• There will not be a funeral procession

• 17,500 total tickets available for fans

• 11,000 of those tickets are for a seat at the actual memorial service at the Staples Center

• An additional 6,500 tickets are for a seat at a simulcast at the Nokia Theater across the street from the Staples Center

• No tickets are being sold for the memorial service – people can register their names for a ticket raffle on the Staples Center’s website by 6:00 p.m. Saturday night. Randomly drawn names will get 2 tickets each

• Media may or may not be allowed inside for the memorial – they’re “still working on it.”

Several officials noted over and over again that the best way to honor and remember Michael is by staying home and watching the memorial there and “not coming to this venue if you do not have a ticket.”

One journalist asked how the city was paying for Jackson’s memorial, given the state of the budget and the economy. An official replied that “the city would deeply appreciate help to offset what are the incremental costs, the non-police costs” including the staging, etc. She said they’d built in some of the costs into the budget for unexpected events, which include four extraordinary events budgeted each year, but that they could definitely use some help and to please email if you’d like to pony up.

Another journalist asked if they were concerned about people trying to scalp tickets. An official responded, “folks I want to remind everybody this is a memorial service. I hope that people have dignity; we’re hoping that no one takes advantage of this particular process… For those that would try to take advantage of this - shame on them.”

At one point several journalists yelled (in the most panicked tone) “The website is down” meaning the Staples Center’s website had gone down, but it appears to be up and working now.

They literally got down to the details of the bleachers at one point, and it sounds like the city has everything under control, but they’re desperate to maintain the crowds and are begging people to please not show up. You won’t get in, you will get turned away… I’m guessing it’s going to be hot out… just don’t do it. I’m sure it’ll be quite the affair, and it’ll likely be broadcast on all the major television stations and websites.