As many know, Jezebel gets the advanced copies of the weekly tabloids and disseminates them for their readers. They don’t get as in-depth as we do, but they often break stories from the print issues during their weekly “Midweek Madness” tabloid-a-thon. Since the tabloids seem to be in a snit about their online content lately, this story comes from the print issues of Us Weekly and Star, via Jezebel. First, Us Weekly is running a seemingly harmless story about how Jessica Simpson is “turning to alcohol to deal with her breakup” with Tony Romo. Their source? Jessica’s drunken haze at her hairdresser Ken Paves’ birthday party. Over the weekend, Page Six claimed Jessica’s extreme diet was what made her so drunky-drunk, but I guess we’re to believe that she’s just a big lush now that she’s had 200 pounds of Romo douche removed. Puh-lease. It’s not like she’s Brad Pitt!

Us Weekly also has something about John Mayer - apparently, Jessica let him take pictures of her naked, and now Mayer shows those pictures to his friends. I have no idea if these are recent phone pics, or if they’re old. But I do know that Mayer is f-cking disgusting. Anyhoodle, the real Simpson dirt is coming from Star Magazine! They’re claiming Jess is planning a “multi-million dollar tell-all” about her relationships with Tony Romo, John Mayer, Dane Cook and… Jude Law! Oh. My. God. Jessica could have been Jude’s random baby-mama!

Jessica Simpson is planning to write a multi-million dollar tell-all, which will spill details about her ex-boyfriends and her “love luggage” — her weight.

Tony Romo liked her to dress up as a cheerleader, but with garter belts, stockings and high heels. And he’d bring food into the bedroom.

John Mayer would talk baby talk in bed and was always begging her to experiment — he wanted her to go to sex parties “just to look.”

Jess might reveal how she fell for Dane Cook while filming Employee Of The Month “when he made her laugh so hard he made her pee her pants on the set.”

And! A source says: “She’ll probably write about one wild night she had with Jude Law in New York, and how close she came to being his baby mama.”

[From Star Magazine via Jezebel]

What’s shocking to me is that in a story that involved Jessica Simpson, John Mayer and Dane Cook, the word “pee” only made it into the Cook section. As for the Jude Law revelation - do you believe it? It might make sense. We know he’ll put his d-ck in anything. And we know Jessica has horrible taste in men. Sounds like they could have worked it out, at least for a night. Although I tend to think Jude prefers petite, boyish women, I can see him getting hot for Jessica “Look at those D-Cups” Simpson for a moment. On a related note, aren’t there a few guys missing from Jessica’s tell-all? She also hooked up with that Maroon 5 douche, Adam Whats-his-guts… Levine. Or was that an urban legend? And didn’t she also nail Johnny Knoxville at some point? I want to hear about them too!

Here’s Jess and a few of her recent exes.