UH! I leave for like 30 minutes to go buy vodka and bananas (breakfast of champions) and that’s the exact moment when Jesse “Douche Supreme” James decides to make his big apology. Let’s see what we’ve got here…Jesse’s statement, given to People Magazine: “”The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment. There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way. This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them. I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.” Um… so, I think he’s saying that he cheated, but not in the way Bombshell is saying…? Sorry, I don’t speak Lying Womanizing Douche. Here’s a bit more from Fox News:

Jesse James apologized to his wife Sandra Bullock and his children Thursday amid rumors that he was cheating on her for months with a fetish model.

James denied the “vast majority” of the “unfounded” rumors against him in a statement released to People magazine, but acknowledged that he was to blame for the situation.

“It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way,” he said. “”This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them. I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.”

The apology comes on the heels of a tough week for Bullock. Instead of traveling to England with her The Blind Side co-stars for a celebratory bash and the film’s Brit premiere, the Oscar-winning actress is embroiled in a cheating scandal thanks to James.

Friends who have known the couple for years tell Fox 411 that the doting husband we’ve been seeing at awards shows is only one half of the man Sandra, 45, married in 2005.

“Jesse can be a very loving, protective and committed man. He cares about Sandra and would often feel like her personal protector, but he can turn on a dime on a person and be extremely angry and nasty if he is in a bad mood,” a source tells Fox411. “He has a strong temper. I’ve seen him yell at young girls in their twenties who were at events to talk to Sandra. He can swear and cut people down in an instant – it’s very intimidating and threatening. He is scary when he lashes out at someone.”

In the face of his wife’s charmed year as Hollywood’s darling actress, James grew increasingly uncomfortable with her burgeoning fame.

“Jesse hates being in the public eye and it made him even more uncomfortable and easily upset,” the source said. “He refused to divulge a detail of his personal life and it seemed like it was because he wanted to keep Sandra out of excess limelight, but now it looks like practice for keeping his own life completely hidden and shuttered.”

“When Sandra and Jesse were first married, they did everything together. He attended events and dinners with her and wanted to be by her side at all times. He would hang back quietly and keep to himself or investigate what she would have to do next and make sure he approved before she had to do it. He was VERY involved in her every move. Over the last two years, they’ve been apart more and the almost abnormal closeness they once shared had dissipated.”

[From Fox News]

You know what I kind of like about Jesse’s statement? That he’s not fake-groveling, or showing off an exhibitionist’s flare for the dramatic tell-all apology. That’s the only nice thing I can say about it. Because it’s basically a non-denial denial, a whiff of p.r. smoke. He’s apologizing publicly for private actions that he won’t confirm or deny he engaged in. Mindf-ck.

I really think Sandra has left him for good. But, considering there are kids involved, I think Sandy and Jesse will be talking, and I’m preparing myself for reports about how they’re “working through some sh-t” et cetera. But I think their marriage is over. Poor Sandy. Sandy, if you want to come to Virgina, I’ll draw a bath for you and I’ll roast you a nice chicken.

Jesse is still wearing his wedding band too: