It seems fitting that to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus, we would find ourselves reviewing ye olde uncool Bermuda Triangle. In Touch Weekly chose Angelina Jolie’s fabric bump to push their “Revenge Pregnancy” cover story, while Star Magazine and Us Weekly have other versions of what’s going on in Triangleville. Uncool Town? Brangiston County? Whatever. Since we are without the print copies of these tabloids this week (re: I was too cheap to buy them), we’ll have to make due with Jezebel’s summations:

In Touch Weekly - For the 8,000th time this year, Angelina got pregnant to trap Brad in their loveless union. She has a “telltale bump” [of fabric] and sources say she’s three months pregnant. This is putting a damper on Brad’s plans to leave Angie for Jennifer Aniston. They’ve been hooking up secretly, yet the mag still figured out the exact time and location of their last rendezvous: December 9 at 3:30pm on a secluded trail off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills. Jen told a friend it was “like their relationship had never ended,” but someone from In Touch writes: “She wouldn’t reveal whether she and Brad had a romantic encounter,” which is apparently how the mag is referring to sex now. Meanwhile, Angie “will do anything to keep Brad around — and that includes planning a huge celebration for Zahara’s 5th birthday on January 8, knowing that he would have to attend.” Why else would a mother plan a birthday party for her 5-year-old daughter?

Us Weekly - Angelina Jolie gave Jennifer Aniston a break this week and agreed to be the one who’s “so lonely.” Angie’s sad because she has no mommy friends, but for some reason the source phrased that as “Angelina is hungry for normal moms to be around,” which makes it sound like she’s a mom-brain craving zombie.

Star Magazine - Jennifer Aniston is still trying to adopt a Mexican baby with Brad Pitt’s’ help, but Star writes, “in the meantime, she’s sowing her wild oats all over Hollywood.” The mag claims she’s dating Sam Rockwell, Josh Groban, and Josh Hopkins of Cougar Town, who Courteney Cox brought to Jen’s holiday party. A source says they exchanged numbers so later “Jen picked up the phone and asked Josh to come to her chili cook-off party.”

[From Jezebel]

Er… Josh Groban? I really thought he had come out of the closet? Maybe not. Sam Rockwell’s a hottie, though. He had a long relationship with Sarita Choudhury, so I’ve always kept him in mind for “a cool dude who digs Indian girls like me.”

Anyway, there are a few other pieces of Brangelina news. On Tuesday, Brad and Angelina made a very special outing - with their four oldest children! Unfortunately, we don’t have access to those cute photos, but LaineyGossip does. Very cute… Shiloh is wearing a skull-and-crossbones knit cap, and Empress Zahara is wearing a “bitch please” look as she stares down the cameras. I imagine Zahara’s thought process to be: “If that motherf-cker doesn’t leave me alone with these chicken nuggets, I’m going to shank a ‘razzo.”

There was also this weird interview floating around on Wednesday - I’m almost positive it’s total crap, but tons of sites are picking it up, and it just seems weird. First, it’s from a German magazine called Das Neue. Why would Angelina give an interview to a German magazine at all, much less when she’s not promoting anything…? Then, there’s the weird tone of the “interview”. It just seems… off.

Angelina Jolie has said that fidelity is not essential for a relationship to work.

The Hollywood actress – who raises six children with her long-term partner Brad Pitt – believes open romances can work just as well as monogamous relationships, if both partners agree to it.

She told Das Neue magazine: “I doubt that fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship. It’s worse to leave your partner and talk badly about him afterwards.”

“Neither Brad nor I have ever claimed that living together means to be chained together. We make sure that we never restrict each other.”

However, she added that the couple have a fiery relationship at times.

She said: “The sparks fly at home if the nice Brad fails to see that he’s wrong and reacts in a defiant way. Then I can get so angry that I tear his shirt.”

[From The Telegraph]

Er… “the sparks fly at home if the nice Brad fails to see that he’s wrong and reacts in a defiant way.” Yes, the nice Angelina speaks and reacts this way when a magazine fails to see that they are full of defiant crap. What I really think happened was that they used some old quotes of Angelina’s, changed a few words here and there, translated it into German, and translated it back into English. It’s like the celebrity gossip version of that game “Telephone”.

In Touch Weekly cover courtesy of Cover Awards.