On the bright side, no one ended up with a gaping hole in their face. Via TMZ: Nick Hogan was involved in a minor car accident last night in downtown Los Angeles. He was coming back from a charity… …read full story

The New York Times has an epic profile of Madonna’s boy-toy/lover/in-house-deejay Jesus Luz. I have absolutely no idea what’s going on with the NYT lately, because their celebrity coverage seems all over the place. Two examples: this weekend’s strange, overly-critical piece about Brad Pitt and the Make It Right Foundation, and secondly, the weirdly complimentary profile of Megan Fox and her dumb, vapid media strategy several weeks ago in the NYT Magazine. Now comes this Jesus Luz piece, which is just fluff, legitimized as some kind of exploration of how and why Jesus became famous. I’ll boil it down for everyone: because he’s bangin’ The Gristle.

The NYT goes on and on painting a picture of The Epic Rise of Jesus, and much of it is pretty boring. But there were some interesting pieces of info. Like, all this time I though his name was pronounced Hay-soos Looz. Not so much. Jesus corrects everyone, and claims the Portuguese pronunciation of his name is actually “Zhay-ZOOSE. Loose.” Seriously! Here are some of the highlights (complete NYT piece here):

Before Madonna: Jesus made $500 a day as a model in Rio de Janeiro, said Sérgio Mattos, his agent at the time. Then in December 2008 he landed a shoot with Madonna for W magazine in which the two played lovers in a Rio hotel. “At the moment he met Madonna, I never see him after that,” said Mr. Mattos in a telephone interview. “I sent him to the job and after that he changed phone numbers and I never see him again.”

Deejaying for $15,000 for 90 minutes: Jesus enrolled at a D.J. school in Manhattan and in no time has landed high-profile gigs. For the 90-minute set he was spinning Nov. 12, only his second professional D.J. outing in the city, he was being paid around $15,000, said Matthew Isaacs, a promoter who had booked him, at a lower cost, to spin two nights later at Hiro in the meatpacking district.

Jesus on deejaying: “I love the energy of the crowd,” Luz said, stepping away from the D.J. stand to pose for photos with admiring female fans. “It’s good to have two careers going on, modeling and D.J.ing. I feel good.”

Jesus on his name: Before Mr. Luz, muscular and curly haired with piercing blue eyes, returned to the laptop and mixing board, he explained the proper way to say his first and last names: “Zhay-ZOOSE. Loose.”

Jesus on Madonna: “I don’t talk about my girlfriend. Let them come to their own conclusions.” (Through a spokeswoman, Madonna declined to comment for this article.)

Jesus on Kabbalah: “When I was a teenager, I thought I couldn’t do nothing in my life. I felt very hopeless. And then something started to happen.” He studied Buddhism and yoga and an ex-girlfriend introduced him to kabbalah. “I’m just looking for something to make me strong, and kabbalah has given me that,” he said. “I’m looking for something to make me comfortable and happy in my life.”

Does Jesus get an allowance from Madonna? Although some gossip Web sites have reported that Madonna pays Mr. Luz an “allowance,” he said that was ridiculous. “I’m laughing so loud,” he said.

Jesus on his love of New York: “I like the strong energy of the people in the city and how they work and run behind your ideals here,” he said. “It is very contagious in a good way. Sometimes when I look at the Statue of Liberty, I feel a sensation similar to when I look at the statue of Christ in Rio.”

[From The New York Times]

They go on and on about the deejaying career, but they do note that people are only hiring Jesus with the hope that Madonna will show up to support him. Which is sad, I think. I mean, sometimes I do feel for this kid, especially now that he’s said Madge doesn’t even give him an allowance. I shouldn’t be surprised though - Madonna is famously cheap, and she’s also delusional enough to think that Jesus should be grateful to be with her and she shouldn’t have to give him money. I’m starting to get the feeling that Jesus works his ass off to try to keep Madge happy and keep the modeling and deejaying gigs coming so he can save enough for a rainy day. Zhay-ZOOSE!!

Jesus “Zhay-ZOOSE” Luz deejaying in Rio De Janeiro on October 22, 2009. Credit: Bauer-Griffin. Also, Jesus in Rio on November 11, 2009. Credit: Fame.

By now you’ve probably heard about Michaele and Tareq Salahi. The now infamous couple crashed the White House State Dinner last week, embarrassing the White House and the Secret Service. How’d everyone find out about it? Michaele, who claims to be a former supermodel (along with a former Washington Redskins cheerleader – though the Redskins and several of the companies she says she’s modeled for all say Michaele has never worked for them) posted pictures all over her Facebook page. Though I should note that her page isn’t a traditional Facebook profile like most of us – with regular egos – have. It’s a fan page. That she put up at least five months ago (the oldest picture date I can find was uploaded in July), well before anyone had ever heard of her. Narcissism doesn’t even begin to describe what this chick has going on.

Supposedly Michaele wants onto the “Real Housewives of DC” – and even brought along a film crew. She’s definitely ravenous for whatever fame she can get – she and Tareq are shopping around their tell-all interview like no one’s business.

The White House gate-crashing couple is looking to cash-in on their exploits by selling the first exclusive interview for a six-figure sum. Tareq and Michaele Salahi - who got up close and personal with President Barack Obama – have pulled out of a planned interview with CNN because they want to land a big pay check for their tell-all.

Representatives for the couple have approached network chiefs asking for hundreds of thousands of dollars for the low-down on how the pair foiled the Secret Service and breached White House security. Major networks have been encouraged to get their bids in to secure the interview about the incident that sent shockwaves though Washington D.C.

Although their names were not on the official list managed by the Secret Service, the Salahis apparently had no trouble gaining entrance to the dinner honoring Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. Michaele Salahai has been trying to land a spot on Bravo’s The Real Housewifes [sic] of D.C. with many people claiming the whole incident was just a huge publicity stunt by the couple.

RadarOnline.com revealed that the aspiring socialites are no strangers to controversy as they have been named, either as defendants or plaintiffs on 16 different lawsuits. One of their businesses is in bankruptcy. Tareq has even sued his own mother. Through competing lawsuits, the couple won control of Oasis Winery from Tareq’s mother in 2007 but quickly ran the Virginia establishment into financial ruin.

Oasis filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy in February, listing the IRS and American Express among the unpaid creditors. It also owed $224,000 for “rental of FedEx Redskins Suite and related hospitality services.” Among assets they’d acquired with Oasis money — but had already been subject to repo — were a $150,000 Aston Martin and a $90,000 boat. It remains to be seen if charges are brought against the pair who have reportedly been questioned by the Secret Service following the incident that was reported worldwide.

[From Radar]

Their scandalous, duplicitous, thieving history is epic. I truly am without words, I just don’t know what to say about them. Looking over Michaele’s Facebook fan page makes me physically ill. She has this link to clips from their 2003 wedding on YouTube. When you click to go directly to YouTube, you see the spot where people can write a little summary of their video. Michaele’s (improperly spelled) short summary is 566 words long! She goes into the monotonous details of the embarrassingly over-the-top wedding, noting:

A Wedding filled with love & passion with an exciting 1,836 Guests at the Historic St. Matthews Cathedral in Washington DC followed by the spectacular reception/wedding celebration at Oasis Winery in Hume, Virginia. This Wedding featured 28 Bridesmaids, 28 Groomsmen, 8 Flower Girls, 2 boy ring bearers. Highlights included best friend and Twenty Time Grammy Award-Winner Claude McKnight performing in Cathedral & at Oasis, a live 16 piece Choir, Herald Trumpets, A Live Orchestra during pre-reception, a 36 piece Big-Band during dinner & dancing, the barrel room & tasting room turned into late night dancing, concluding with a 30 minute MegaFireworks Show! Wedding was filled with the whos who of best friends from Washington DC, Virginia and guests from the entire globe that attended this wedding that celebrated Love & Passion! Featured wedding speakers were United States Supreme Court Justice Kennedy, Governor Mark Warner, Her Excellency Ambassador Margaret Heckler of Ireland, Family Member/Uncle Eddie OMalley, former HR Director for the CIA.

[From YouTube]

I’m sorry, I just realized you probably threw up in your mouth. My bad. That’s only the first teeny little paragraph. I have never wanted to slap a bitch so badly in my life. This is one of those people that doesn’t understand “your [fill in blank] is the center of your world, not THE world.” A lot of people seem to like her for the moxy it took to pull one over on the Secret Service. I challenge any of those people to read about all the lawsuits, all the businesses she’s put out of business, all the millions of bad debt, all the forgeries and lies, and tell me there is anything to admire about this parasite.

The photos below are from Michelle Salahi’s Facebook page.

- Paris Hilton goes skiing with arms dealers which proves she’s a biological weapon for the government. [Lainey Gossip] - Carmen Electra’s leaked lesbian “sex tape” was really a viral ad. That would explain the lack of sex. [Drunken… …read full story

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You may have heard the rumor that Michael Lohan, via Twitter, was threatening to kill himself. Rest assured, the esteemed Lohan family patriarch is alive and well, and assures various concerned media outlets that there’s someone out there on Twitter pretending to be him. Considering how out-of-this-world on-the-ball the Dina Lohan fake Twitterer was, it’s no surprise someone eventually pretended to be Michael. Really, the only surprising thing is that it took so long. Nonetheless, Michael is alive and well. Depending on your definition of “well.”

Michael Lohan doesn’t exactly have a history of verbal restraint, so when a Twitter account named @themichaellohan began writing snippets about family drama and wanting to jump off of the Brooklyn Bridge, entertainment bloggers across the Web figured it was the real deal. Thankfully, it seems the Tweets — like the one that read: “fiance just left me. my family hates me, i spent Thanksgiving with my mom i just cant do any of this any more” — were all bogus, and the father of Lindsay Lohan is still with us. All the Details After the Jump >>

Word of the alleged suicide pleas began to spread on Sunday evening, with sites like Gawker.com and AllieIsWired all jumping on the story. In the Tweets, which have since been erased from the Twitter page, “Lohan” said: “death of father put me in a black hole IDK what to do” and that he was “heading to the brooklyn bridge.” He even sent one to Lindsay’s Twitter account, writing: “@lindsaylohan, love you b ye.” To see all of the now-vanished Tweets, visit AllieIsWired.

[From PopEater]

I’ve got to say, while suicide is never ever funny, it is especially awful that the fake Twitterer sent that message to Lindsay’s real Twitter account. While Michael Lohan is fun to mock, at no point was this particular form of mockery funny or in any way appropriate. But can you imagine if you were Lindsay and you got that Tweet? That is so over the line, and maybe one of the few times I’ve ever had any empathy for Lohans.

Michael wrote to Shabooty.com:

This is not not not me. I do not have and never had a twitter and twitters corp office confirms that. My lawyers r investigating

[From Shabooty]

So that’s that. Looking for an appropriate way to mock a Lohan? How about Shoe-Han?

Screencap thanks to Allie Is Wired. Here’s Michael with former BFF Jon Gosselin playing with their man toys in Reading, PA on October 11th. Images thanks to INF Photo.

Boo hoo for Chris Brown. He’s getting more hard knocks, thanks to all of us bitching ferociously about him getting to perform on Good Morning America. Especially after they’d canceled Adam Lambert’s scheduled performance for his questionable stage antics. Brown has been pulled from the morning show altogether, which is sort of good. And he won’t get to sing and dance and promote his career. The bad news is he’s been moved to 20/20, which could conceivably get him even more viewers. But it’s supposedly a serious “tell-all” interview, and Brown won’t get to plug his music and bounce around on stage like everything’s just fine and he’s a decent guy.

ABC had a change of heart over the weekend and will not let R&B singer Chris Brown sing next week on “Good Morning America.” Instead, Brown has agreed to “come clean” in a primetime interview about what happened the night he beat up former girlfriend Rhianna, according to reports,

The network was bitterly criticized last week after it canceled a performance by flamboyant “Idol” star Adam Lambert on “GMA” — following his raunchy performance on the American Music Awards show — then announced plans for Brown to promote his latest CD with a live show on the program.

When Brown appeared recently on “Larry King Live” and afternoon talk show “Wendy Williams” to apologize for the incident, he sidestepped questions about what happened last February on the night before the Grammy awards when Rhianna, battered and bruised, walked into an LA police station.

Now, he is promising to give details of the incident in an “in-depth interview” with “GMA” host Robin Roberts set to air on “20/20″ Dec. 11. His appearance follows by a month Rhianna’s shocking interview with Diane Sawyer on the same show that drew nearly 9 million viewers, unusually high for a news show.

On that show, Rhianna admitted she was “embarrassed” that she had gone back to Brown shortly after the beating and entertained the idea of a reconciliation. The interview with Brown — which is being billed as his reply to Rhianna — was taped over the weekend, according to reports. ABC did not say why it canceled its original plan to air a Brown interview and stage a short concert only on its morning show and move it to primetime — without the music.

[From the New York Post]

Well sure, obviously they couldn’t say, “We made such a bad decision that everyone freaked out so we had to do something more responsible!” Thus… no comment. I doubt this’ll be Chris Brown’s mea culpa. I doubt he has one in him. I mean the jackass has proven time and time again that he doesn’t think he did anything wrong, and he thinks it’s worthy of mockery. Oh, and let’s not forget how it’s our fault he doesn’t seem sorry. The only – only – thing that might ever make him have just a teeny, tiny sliver of doubt that maybe he wasn’t totally justified in beating the sh*t out of Rihanna are the consequences to his career. Which is why it’s so important that people continue to boycott Brown until he’s genuinely sorry. Or the end of time. Whichever comes first. Sadly, my money is on the end of time.

As much as the Post tried to make it sound like Brown will reveal some of the details of the event or actually tell the truth about what was going through his head, I don’t believe it. Once a temperamental asshole, always a temperamental asshole. It may take a long time, but I truly believe Chris Brown will eventually feel the repercussions. Even if it just means he ends up broke. At least he can sell that $300,000 “Oops!” necklace. That was a smart investment for the future.

George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis spent the holiday weekend in Mexico with Cindy Crawford and her husband Randy Gerber, and surprisingly none of these pics include Clooney instructing a submissive Cindy to throw her wedding ring i …read full story

Methinks People Magazine is doing some damage control! People just released a new story on the Jake Gyllenhaal-Reese Witherspoon rumors that began yesterday, when People first reported Jake and Reese had split. According to People’s new article, they had a source who claimed Reese “told close friends around Thanksgiving that she and Gyllenhall… had broken up.” People Magazine also does a somewhat defensive timeline of how Reese has been solo the past few weeks, as if to say “Dude, they weren’t photographed together for two weeks! What were we supposed to think?”

People goes on to make it sound like Reese and Jake have broken up several times, the working (and unspoken) theory being that Reese and Jake did actually break up a few weeks ago, but might get back together yet again. Another claim: Jake wants to marry Reese (“Jake would marry her tomorrow”) but Reese is gun-shy about re-marriage and strictly adheres to a “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” philosophy (“Jake can be a little overbearing at times, and Reese is really happy with life right now. Why screw that up or change a good thing?”).

While the precise status of the Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal relationship remains unclear – over the weekend a source close to the actress told PEOPLE the couple had split, a claim denied by their reps – the two have certainly had their share of highs and lows during their two-year relationship.

Witherspoon, 33, told close friends around Thanksgiving that she and Gyllenhall, also 33, had broken up, says the source. She was seen driving alone in Los Angeles over the weekend, then on Sunday she was spotted at the Whiskey Kitchen in Nashville – without Gyllenhaal.

As a couple, the last time they were seen together was two weeks ago, when they spent time in Philadelphia (where Reese is shooting a yet-to-be-titled movie with Oscar-winning director James L. Brooks) and in Pittsburgh (where Jake is shooting his new movie, Love and Other Drugs).

“As much as everyone thinks they’re right there, they’re really not near the whole marriage thing,” a source close to the couple told PEOPLE last spring. “Jake would marry her tomorrow, but Reese doesn’t want to go there yet, even though he would like to.”

The source adds: “There’s a huge attraction between them, and they’ve becomes a team, partners, but Jake can be a little overbearing at times, and Reese is really happy with life right now. Why screw that up or change a good thing?”

Then there are her children – daughter Ava, 10, and son Deacon, 6 – with former husband Ryan Phillippe to consider. “The kids are her first priority,” says the source. “They’re not ready for that, at least as far as Jake.”

The pair first met on the Morocco set of the movie Rendition in 2006. “Jake went and introduced himself to Reese,” a source close to both told PEOPLE. From there, “things slowly progressed, but it was never something she thought would happen from the start. She just kind of developed this little crush over time.”

But with Witherspoon’s divorce from Phillippe still pending at the time, the actress took a step back during the summer of 2007.

“They broke up. It’s totally and completely over,” a source in Witherspoon’s circle told PEOPLE at the time. “Reese was the one who had to do it. She just got out of a divorce and was so concerned with her family, she just didn’t have the time for him and he really demanded that.”

The divorce was finalized in June 2008, but moving on proved difficult for Witherspoon. “When people get in your face and say, ‘This will pass,’ you think: Are they crazy?” Witherspoon said in the April 2009 issue of Elle magazine, adding that the divorce was, “very humiliating and very isolating.”

Still, Witherspoon came to realize, “If it’s not painful, maybe it wasn’t the right decision to marry to begin with. Those are the appropriate emotions.”

Reuniting with Gyllenhaal in 2007, Witherspoon later said her beau was “really a fantastic guy.”

“He’s very supportive,” was she told Vogue last year. “Suffice it to say, I’m very happy in life, and I’m very lucky to have a lot of really supportive people around me who care very much for me, and, you know, that’s all you can hope for in life. I am very blessed in that way.”

Still, Witherspoon was hesitant to discuss the possibility of marrying again. Despite repeated rumors that the duo had gotten engaged, reps for the pair denied a proposal – and Witherspoon made it clear that she wasn’t ready.

“Family is all we have in life, but I don’t know how I feel about marriage,” she told Parade last year. “Obviously, I’m not far enough out of being married to think about doing it again. You sort of reconstitute your family. You find a family with people who come into your life for a reason.”

[From People]

Well, I think it’s perfectly reasonable that Reese would be rather “meh” on marriage after the chaos of being married to Ryan Phillippe. Excuse me, I mean “alleged” chaos. He was allegedly cheating on her all over the place, and I could see Reese having some big trust issues. It’s also interesting to hear that Jake is “a little overbearing” - I’m just happy to hear he’s not Mr. Perfect, although I do think it’s kind of sweet that he is the one who wants to get married and Reese is the commitment-phobic one. Good work, Reese!

Reese and Jake in New York on June 6, 2009. Also, Reese and Jake at the ‘Rendition’ premiere in Toronto on September 7, 2007. Credit: INF.