Daniel Craig: Sexy Double 0 agent or Sloth from Goonies? Wait. Why not both?

*picks up phone*

Hello, Hollywood? I’ve done it again. No, trust me, this one’s way better than “Martin Luther King, Jr: Kickboxes a Guy from the Future.” Sort of.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz unveiled their future axe-murder Bronx Mowgli Wentz in a holiday card on their website Friends or Enemies.com. This only further proves my theory that Ashlee Simpson is dead. I mean, talk about classic textbook murder. If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a thousand times:

Boy meets Girl.
Boy wants baby but without lifelong commitment to Girl and her “icky parts.”
Boy goes to John Mayer’s house for playdate.
John Mayer suggests some wicked Weekend at Bernie’s action to solve Boy’s problem.
Boy agrees then requests a naked high five.
Boy and John Mayer alternate scarf-knitting and sweet love-making.
Boy cuddles with John Mayer.
John Mayer says “Do you ever feel like we’re the only two souls on Earth.”
Boy wistfully responds “Yeah” then sighs contently.
Boy suggests some hot cocoa would go great with their spooning.
John Mayer says “Okay, but look, if you go downstairs and Jennifer Aniston is in the kitchen, don’t freak out.”
Boy totally freaks out.
John Mayer tries to point out it’s not what the Boy thinks.
Boy thought he had really found someone, you know.
Boy now wants to be left alone to sulk and write shitty commercial-friendly emo music.
Boy goes home and waits in his Nightmare Before Christmas pajamas for Girl to give birth and return from hospital.
Boy realizes it’s only June.
Boy wishes he brought a Gameboy.
Boy orders pizza.
Boy wonders if Conan’s on…

Yup, same old story.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady reportedly proposed to supermodel Gisele Bundchen on a private plane Christmas Eve, according to TMZ:

Our sources say Brady, who is famous for his QB skills and running errands for Gisele, proposed on a private jet that took off from Teterboro Airport in New Jersey and landed in Boston. There were four dozen white roses on board, as well as champagne.

However, Tom’s dad is telling the Boston Globe there is no engagement:

“We don’t know a thing about it,” Tom’s dad told us yesterday. “Nobody told me. We talked to him and there’s nothing to say. It’s rumor, rumor, rumor. It must be a slow news day.”

Of course, Tom’s dad could just be creating smoke and mirrors, so I better have sex with Gisele Bundchen just to be sure - and for the sake of journalism. Because, dammit, the people have a right to know! God, I’m selfless.

All the reports of Madonna spending Christmas in England with soon-to-be-official ex-husband Guy Ritchie were correct – with one minor exception. Madonna no longer celebrates Christmas. According to the Daily Mail, Madge brought the kids over to the U.K., as she promised to do. But once in London, she sent sons Rocco and David off to Guy to spend the holiday at his estate in the English countryside, while she and Lourdes remained in London.

That must have really sucked for Lourdes. Her brothers are off having fun and getting presents, and she’s eating macrobiotic wheat germ while her mom lifts weights and talks about magical red string bracelets. Fun times.

They may be in the middle of a multi-million pound divorce, but Madonna and Guy Ritchie apparently put aside their differences as they visited a Kabbalah Centre yesterday. The pop star and her estranged husband arrived, and left, in different vehicles. But both were at the centre at the same time, along with children Lourdes, Rocco and David. First to arrive: Madonna, her face hidden by a cap, turned up at the Kabbalah Centre in London today with her daughter Lourdes in the car

They were seen walking outside the centre, near London’s Oxford Street, with Rocco leading the way, Guy and David following, and Madonna and Lourdes lagging behind. Yesterday’s meeting comes after the divorcing couple called a truce for Christmas and struck a deal to spend the festive season in Britain.

Madonna returned to England the day before Christmas Eve - for the first time since the couple split. She met her husband in London to hand over their sons. Minutes later he headed for the £10 million Ashcombe House estate, which he has taken ownership of as part of their divorce settlement. The boys and Guy enjoyed a traditional family Christmas, while Madonna and Lourdes remained in London. The singer does not celebrate the holiday.

On Boxing Day Guy returned his sons to Madonna, before picked up David to take him to the Kabbalah centre. The two then joined the rest of the family at Madonna’s house and Guy was not seen leaving until the next day. After returning to his flat to freshen up yesterday he then made his way to the Kabbalah centre, where he was joined by the rest of the family.

[From the Daily Mail]

While it’s sad that Madonna and Lourdes didn’t spend Christmas day with the rest of the family, they obviously did spend some time all together, which is great for them. I’m guessing it was strained at times, but clearly Madge and Guy are trying to put their kids first when possible. I’m not sure why Madonna couldn’t at least let Lourdes join her brothers for Christmas. I understand if she doesn’t celebrate it anymore, but splitting up siblings is never a good idea. Especially when two come back with awesome presents and tales of sugar-induced hyperactivity.

I’m very surprised that Guy spent the night at Madonna’s London home but I think that shows just how willing he is to compromise and do what it takes to be around for his kids. It’s got to be incredibly hard for him, living in England while his kids are an ocean away. Hopefully this bodes well for future compromises for the sake of Madonna and Guy’s children.

Here’s Guy and Madonna leaving the Kabbalah Center in London in separate cars yesterday. Header of Guy outside his Punch Bowl pub on December 10th and Madonna out with David on November 21st. Images thanks to Fame and Splash.

Dina Lohan has always made a really big deal about what a great mother she is. Oh, and how she doesn’t party with her kids – despite all the hideous photographic evidence to the contrary. She once infamously told a Bazaar reporter, “‘If you can button it and clip it when you’re in your 40s, you’re going out.’” Since then Dina’s done nothing but swear up and down that she doesn’t party with her kids. And to prove it, she recently took her son Michael – who just turned 21 – to New York hotspot 1Oak to celebrate his 21st birthday.

DINA Lohan isn’t feeling as tied down as her daughter, Lindsay, is. While Lindsay has been taking to her MySpace blog to vent about her troubled life, Dina is living it up. The “Mother of the Year” - who constantly claims she doesn’t go out to nightclubs with her kids - took her just-turned-21 son, Michael, to 1Oak the other night to celebrate his being of legal drinking age. But unlike her old days of clubbing with Lindsay, the mom of four left the bash early. One partygoer told us, “Michael had a low-key night.”

[From Page Six]

I absolutely do not buy that. Dina seems like the “Let’s snort cocaine off this prostitute’s stomach” kind of mom. I have no idea if that’s actually possible, but assuming it is, it’s also safe to assume that Dina’s probably done it.

You’d think that if she had one ounce of the caring mother instinct, Dina would go out of her way to protect all her other children from making the same mistakes she made with Lindsay. You know, partying and drinking and drugging with her. It’s really not all that hard to do. In fact, all it takes is NOT doing something – which is inherently easier than doing something.

I feel really sorry for Michael. Not only does he have to bear the name of his douche bag father, but he’s had to escort his pathetic mom to multiple events, acting as her date because no one else wants to be seen with Dina. And her idea of a nice time is to take the poor kid out to an exclusive nightclub. Going to a hot club with your mom would be mortifying to any 21-year-old. The only thing that could make it worse is if your mom were Dina Lohan.

Here’s Dina with poor young Michael at the party for Sephora’s 10 year anniversary in New York on July 17th. Michael Jr. looks so much like Lindsay that I swear I can actually see his bespeckled bosom. Images thanks to WENN and Bauer-Griffin.

Actor Jay Mohr – who is the star of Gary Unmarried and had roles in Jerry Maguire and Saturday Night Live, – got married to Las Vegas actress Nikki Cox two years ago. No one really noticed because Mohr and Cox aren’t exactly A-list celebs. They probably get asked for autographs at Starbucks once in a while, and that’s about the extent of it. But now Mohr is getting some very rude attention for deciding to take Cox’s last name.

Jay is unwittingly looking to add Mohr laughs to his life.

Following in the footsteps of John Ono Lennon, the Gary Unmarried star filed a petition a week ago to legally add his wife’s surname to his own, thereby making his full appellation Jon (his birth name) Ferguson Cox Mohr.

Well, better than the other way around, isn’t it?

Seriously, though, it’s a sweet gesture—and a two-year anniversary present. Mohr swapped vows with Las Vegas actress Nikki Cox on Dec. 29, 2006. It was his second trip down the aisle and, per documents filed Dec. 19 in Los Angeles Superior Court, the one he’s looking to make stick.

[From E! News]

E’s take on the story is relatively gentle and fair. Several other websites have mocked Mohr not just for the narrowly avoided, unfortunate, “Jay Leno wedding announcement-esq” bad last name combination, but for his decision to take his wife’s name at all. TMZ described it as “emasculating,” and many commenters on other websites have echoed similar opinions.

I agree with E!, it is an incredibly thoughtful gesture. And Cox added Mohr’s name to her own – why in the world shouldn’t he do the same? It is unconventional – and good for him for not caring.

Ironically, here’s Nikki and Jay at Starbucks on December 22nd. They do seem overly worried about being recognized, what with the head ducking and all. Images thanks to Bauer-Griffin. Header of them at the People’s Choice Awards nominations in Beverly Hills on November 10th. Image thanks to WENN.

Tom Cruise has never been what you’d call low key. He is physiologically and psychologically incapable of handling most tasks in a normal manner. So it’s really no surprise that Tom has gone into “Mission Impossible” mode after receiving death threats.

Tom and Katie now travel in “bomb-proof” vehicles according to the Daily Mail – though Katie sure does a lot of walking and “out and about” photo opportunities in Manhattan, so I’m not quite sure how that fits into Tom’s over-protective plan. He’s also built a top of the line underground bunker at their Colorado home, just in case the world ends or the anti-Scientology group Anonymous decides to wear those masks around him and he gets too scared.

Actor Tom Cruise and his wife Katie Holmes are living in fear after receiving death threats. Sources close to the star, a leading Scientologist, say the threats are believed to have come from groups opposed to the religious organisation.

The Mail on Sunday can reveal that security has been stepped up around Cruise, 46, Holmes, 30, and their two-year-old daughter Suri. The couple now live at separate locations and move around in bomb-proof vehicles.

Other protesters have been angered by Cruise’s portrayal of Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg – who was at the centre of the 1944 plot by Nazi officers to assassinate Adolf Hitler – in the film Valkyrie. Last week Cruise attended the Los Angeles premiere of the movie, which was targeted by protesters from the anti-Scientology group Anonymous. He has been forced to increase security around his family since then.

‘The threats are perceived to be so great that the FBI has been alerted,’ said a source.

Cruise is due to fly to London for the UK premiere on January 21. ‘Tom is terrified. He doesn’t feel safe anywhere,’ the source added. Cruise has spent £5million on an underground bunker in the grounds of his estate in Colorado. In August, threats were made to place anthrax in the air vents of his Los Angeles office.

[From the Daily Mail]

To be clear, the Mail doesn’t actually claim that anyone from Anonymous or any of the “Valkyrie” protestors have made death threats against Tom or Katie. They just say that he has received some, and then list groups that are known to hate him.

Anonymous has been almost classy in their Cruise protests, if there is such a thing. They don’t get overly dramatic like PETA, but they certainly get attention - not just because of their famous target but also for their creativity. They placed several members - wearing those creepy, faceless masks – at events the paparazzi photographed before anyone had ever heard of the group. That got a lot of buzz going with people wondering who they were and what they were doing. It was genius advertising. They just don’t seem like the death threat sort of group to me.

Tom and Katie live at separate locations not out of safety but because she’s in New York starring in a Broadway play and he’s still working in Hollywood. Tom seems like the extreme sort, and he’s also overprotective. I’d really like to know exactly what this “death threat” said. It definitely could be legitimate, and if so it’s good he’s taking precautions and notifying the right people.

But I can’t help but wonder if the threat was something like, “We will steal all of your shoes and dump them in the ocean you crazy little man.” Which to Tom would be the absolute end of the world.

Here are Katie and Suri on their way to see “Bolt” in Manhattan yesterday. Neither seem to be wearing any bomb proof clothing. Images thanks to Splash.

Talk show host Regis Philbin has a disabled son, Danny, who is unemployed and trying to make ends meet by selling handcrafts. Danny is from Regis’ first marriage. He was born with a spinal cord defect and grew up at Angel View Crippled Children’s Foundation in California. He is now wheelchair bound after undergoing a double amputation made necessary by his condition. Regis also has daughter Amy with his first wife, and daughters Joanna and Jennifer with his second wife, Joy.

Danny Philbin has a college degree from California State University and used to hold a position at the Pentagon. He has been out of work for three years now and is struggling to get by in Cathedral City, California. Danny’s wife spoke to the National Enquirer, and said that her husband is too proud to ask his wealthy dad for help at all, even though they’re so broke they have to resort to borrowing money for groceries.

“Our finances have gotten so bad we had to file for debt consolidation, and we barely have enough money to eat. Sometimes we have to borrow money from friends to buy food!” Judy [Philbin] told The Enquirer.

“To make ends meet, Danny has taken odd jobs. He worked for a while at a bookstore and more recently, he’s been working 12-hour days making decorated light switch covers to sell at weekend craft fairs.

“But at this point, we don’t even have enough money to pay the $70 fee for a booth at a craft fair!”

Judy is appealing to her famous father-in-law through The Enquirer because she says: “Danny is too afraid to ask his father for help.”

In our Dec. 15 issue, we reported the disabled 43-year-old was selling craft items to help pay medical bills, while his wife was doing in-home health care in Cathedral City, Calif.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, January 5, 2008]

What’s more is that like many families their debt problems were worsened when Judy lost her job and her health insurance, resulting in high medical expenses.

Judy says her husband is “hurting emotionally, but he just won’t open up to his father.” She also says he’s in a lot of pain and his condition is getting worse.

We don’t know their situation beyond this brief story so it doesn’t seem fair to judge Regis for not supporting his son. It’s possible that Regis has no idea that his son is broke without health insurance. From what Judy is saying, Danny is just too stubborn and proud to ask for Regis’ help at all. Family relationships are complicated and maybe Regis and Danny had a falling out at some point and don’t speak. There’s probably much more going on than we’re hearing and it’s possible Regis loaned Danny money in the past and there are hard feelings. It’s sounds like Danny and his wife are really struggling though and maybe Regis will try to help them after this story gets out.

The latest National Enquirer, with Marc Anthony’s supposed reunion with his ex-wife on the cover, has photos of Danny and his wife.

Regis Philbin is shown at the Academy Awards on 2/22/08. Credit: PRPhotos

Sometimes I’m happy America doesn’t have a royal family, but then I check out the two princes, one a hot ginger and one a hot blond. These boys are enough to make me a royalist.

The big news across the pond is Prince William’s new, hot, scraggy beard. He debuted the beard during a Naval exercise, and decided to keep it for the holidays. But fear not, beard-haters! Apparently, Prince William doesn’t care for it, and a clean shave is required for his next assignment with the RAF.

The 26-year-old Prince grew the facial hair during a recent 10-day exercise in Barbados with the Navy’s Special Boat Service. He returned a week ago but appears so enamoured of his new look that he has yet to shave it off.

He was photographed on a pheasant shoot at the Queen’s Sandringham estate in Norfolk with his brother, Prince Harry, and girlfriend Kate Middleton. Rules on facial hair in the Armed Forces differ according to the service. The Royal Navy allows a full beard - although no moustaches, goatees or ‘designer stubble’ - if permission is sought from a commanding officer.

It is believed that the Prince’s beard was an attempt to disguise his identity during the SBS mission. He is also following family tradition, as the Prince of Wales grew a beard while on Naval exercises in Alaska in 1975.

However, beards are banned in the RAF and the Prince must be clean-shaven when he reports for duty next month to commence an 18-month training course to qualify as a search and rescue pilot.

[From Telegraph.co.uk]

I’m actually not a beard hater - some men look better with something going on in the beard/goatee area. Unfortunately, Prince William is not one of them. But that doesn’t mean Britain can’t have a little beard freak-out, right? Apparently, some newspapers are already doing polling on it.

In other royal news, oddsmakers are still trying to make some money on the never-ending speculation of a royal wedding between Kate Middleton and Prince William. A 2009 royal proposal has 11/8 odds. That’s good for Middleton, right?

Britain’s Prince William proposing to girlfriend Kate Middleton in 2009 has odds of 11/8, according to bookmakers William Hill. The British public thinks the likelihood of the 26-year-old royal - who has been dating Kate since 2003, after the pair met at Scotland’s University of St Andrews - asking the brunette beauty to marry him are very likely.

In September, it was claimed William will not get engaged to Kate for at least another 18 months, and would have to speak with several members of the royal family and the government before going down on one knee, according to a senior member of the Royal Household.

The source said: “There is a lot of planning involved in a royal engagement announcement of a member of the family as senior as Prince William. “A number of high-profile people have to be informed formally, and the couple have to be introduced to the Prime Minister of the day, among others. All this takes time. As far as I am aware I cannot see there being an engagement between the prince and Miss. Middleton for at least 18 months.”

William’s hopeful marriage prospects are not the only ones in the royal family. William Hill have revealed Prince Harry proposing to his Zimbabwe-born girlfriend Chelsy Davy has odds of 6/1, while Prince Andrew - who was previously married to Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York - getting engaged has odds of 50/1. William Hill spokesperson Rupert Adams said: “Every year there are a couple of big odds winners from the bets!”

[From Monsters and Critics]

I don’t think either prince will get engaged this year. Prince Harry won’t because he’s the wild one, and wild ones don’t settle down at twenty-four. But I suspect Prince William won’t get engaged because, as it turns out, he’s probably a lot like his father. Meaning he just can’t make up his mind about marriage and about Kate Middleton. If I was a betting woman, I’d put money on Kate finally dumping him for good in 2009 - if she’s smart. But maybe she thinks that she’s waited so long, maybe another year being The Royal Girlfriend is good enough. Poor Kate.

Prince William is shown attending church on Christmas day. Credit: BARM/Fame Pictures

Salma Hayek was seen with an unlit cigarette in her mouth outside of Neiman Marcus yesterday. Maybe Salma decided not to light the cigarette once she realized she was being photographed. She was doing some post holiday shopping accompanied by her mother and 15 month old daughter Valentina. Valentina sure is cute and seems to be growing up fast. Her father is Salma’s ex-fiance, billionaire French businessman François-Henri Pinault.

Salma was recently named as a presenter at the Golden Globe Awards, to be held on January 11 at the Beverly Hilton in Los Angeles. Other scheduled presenters include Reese Witherspoon, Drew Barrymore, Sacha Baron Cohen, Jennifer Lopez, Amy Poehler, and Seth Rogan.

The 42 year-old actress was also just deemed the fifth sexiest actress of the upcoming year in a poll conducted by Fandango.com. Megan Fox topped the list.

Hayek’s six episode guest spot on NBC comedy “30 Rock” will air next year. She plays a nurse to the mother of Alec Baldwin’s character and they have some awkward scenes together. (Link contains spoilers.)